Trip Report: A Very Victorious Valley Visit

August, Cardiff: another non-summer = lower than optimal send count.

Solution: head to Cali-forn-ey-eh, go to Hooters, crush some sick big walls and enjoy some of the most stable weather in the world.

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Team Beastfaker travelled to San Fransisco separately so as not to attract the attention of US authorities. With such an acomplished group of hard dudes, we were justifiably concerned that we may have been denied entry once they realised we would be ripping up all their hardest lines. That’s right, this mission was very much under the radar - a black op you might say.

Reconveneing in the relative safety (pardon the pun) of my cousin’s house in ‘Frisco, we quickly set about stealthily achieving some of our main objectives. Excessively large stacks of pancakes were consumed in IHOP, pre-recovery beer pitchers were ordered from tastefully dressed waitresses, and most importantly, our strict training regimen continued in the shadow of the Golden Gate Bridge.

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A few days later we arrived in Camp 4 under the suspicious eyes of Pinky – the ranger in charge of the campsite and imposing a 7 day stay rule in the park. Clearly we were not going to travel halfway across the world to stay for 7 days, and this may have been a problem for many less rad visitors. Fortunately though, we’re well versed in flouting the rules (yeah that’s right, our collective middle name is ‘rebel’) and some amateur smoke and mirrors tactics soon had her fooled, and us a tidy spot to pitch our tents.

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Napoleon and Nacho set about tearing down as much free climbing as they could lay their faking hands on, sending sick lines on notable ‘hard man’ crags such as Glacier Point Apron and Swan Slabs. Meanwhile myself and Fatty Foster (aka Weak Andy), the token non-Beastfaker on the trip (brought along to comply with EU equality regs), set off to crush our first big wall, the mighty S Face of Washington’s Column. This being one of the most fearsome lines in the Valley, we decided to ‘recce’ the route first before fully committing, (nothing to do with being too slow you understand), getting a full 6 pitches up on our first attempt. A few days later, we returned and climbed to Dinner Ledge (the bivi spot) with Nacho and Napoleon, had a crazy bagel fuelled rave that night and then blasted to the top the following day.

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The rest of the trip passed by in a haze of cutting edge ascents including a team send of Snake Dike on Half Dome, the East Buttress of Middle Cathedral (using the French free variation as we didn’t want to embarrass the locals too much with our rad skillz) and multiple trips up the testpiece that is Royal Arches. The all-you-can-eat buffet was raided. Malt liquor (affordable heaven in a can) and Butterfinger ice creams were discovered in the village store. Hercules and Stevo arrived and Nacho and Napoleon sucumbed to the ravages of the new uni term and returned to the ‘Diff.

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With time running short, myself and Hercules spent three days sending the Leaning Tower, crushing it into a metaphorical gravel, whilst the two non-Beastfakers Fatty and Stevo used their time ‘recceing’ some other walls. Several evenings of fun and frolics were had over Yosemite Facelift Week, with talks from some of America’s finest crankers such as Dean Potter and Peter Croft. (We we’re asked to put on our own slideshow but respectfully declined, not wanting to out-shine the local talent.) Bottomless pint glasses were available for $20 at the event, so much of Facelift week was spent consuming copius isotonic recovery beers. Fighting fit from his summer in the jungle, Stevo led the charge in maintaining the Brit binge drinking reputation, managing to get the average cost of a pint down to something like 30 cents – a top effort.

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Finally with a week to go, we decided to go balls to the wall on the big one – and put a ‘recce’ in on The Nose. The first 11 pitches up to Dolt Tower gave us a valuable insight into the route and no doubt we’ll be back next year to free it in a day.

Highlights:

• Visiting Hooters (obviously!)

• The Leaning Tower – topping out after two days of hauling with no pulley, busting open our last beers and kicking back to a rad sunset and the soothing sounds of Rage Against the Machine

• Watching Timmy O’Neil and Dean Potter, totally wasted, dance to Russian gypsy music on stage at the Facelift

• Team ascent of Half Dome followed by lounging on the summit in the sun for hours

• Minesweeping leftover pizza at Degans Deli – it tastes even better when you don’t pay for it!

• Sending numerous hard, out there lines

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American/English climbing phrasebook:

It’s a jungle out there bro! So here’s some top chat to help integrate yourself with the Camp 4 elite:

Duder: A term of endearment used to address fellow climbers. (Eg – "hey duder how did it go - did you send?")
Heinous: Desperate, hard, unpleasant. Not strictly a US term, but multiple use is mandatory in every conversation with a duder. (Eg – “that rockover looks heinous!")
Hella: Very. (Eg – "this pitch is hella good!")

Cruiser: Easy. Often used to lull unsuspecting Brits into false confidence in their crack climbing ability. (Eg – "yeah duder, that heinous looking offwidth was actually hella cruiser.")
Money: Good. (Eg - "oh yeah, micro nuts are money on pitch 83.")
Business: Tough but fun. (Eg - "bro that hand traverse is business!")
Shank a bitch: To deck someone. (Eg - "that guy just stole my rad FA duder, I'm hella mad - I'm gonna shank the bitch.")

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