Thursday, November 11
Saturday, April 10
Spring is here!
So we've pretty much just been sitting around scratching our balls, hence the lack of posts.
A week spent in rainy font, although fun, also has not brightened the mood significantly. But the good weather is here now (at this very moment at least), so watch this space for more fakerstyle action.
I tried to go to Penallta last night for a quick solo mission. Clearly I'm going senile in my old age as it is obvious that 6pm on a Friday night at Penallta is going to be Chav central. I saw them lounging at the top of the crag, but thought I would have a go anyway. I made it to within 100m of the crag before the meerkat-like Chav in the green T-shirt spotted me, and the Amber Nectar aerial bombardment began.
So I didn't get any climbing done, but I did finally go and check out Castle Quarry (next to Tafs Well). Quite a grotty little crag really (although it does smell good thanks to all the wild garlic), and it looks like the route that runs up the main drainage line has been tried with axe and crampons, perhaps it formed up over the winter months?
Saturday, December 12
Abseil Andy (to the tune of 'flintstones')
Abseil.
Sunday, November 29
Extreme strolling
Wednesday, November 18
Thursday, October 29
Trip Report: A Very Victorious Valley Visit
Solution: head to Cali-forn-ey-eh, go to Hooters, crush some sick big walls and enjoy some of the most stable weather in the world.
----------------------------------------------------
Team Beastfaker travelled to San Fransisco separately so as not to attract the attention of US authorities. With such an acomplished group of hard dudes, we were justifiably concerned that we may have been denied entry once they realised we would be ripping up all their hardest lines. That’s right, this mission was very much under the radar - a black op you might say.
Reconveneing in the relative safety (pardon the pun) of my cousin’s house in ‘Frisco, we quickly set about stealthily achieving some of our main objectives. Excessively large stacks of pancakes were consumed in IHOP, pre-recovery beer pitchers were ordered from tastefully dressed waitresses, and most importantly, our strict training regimen continued in the shadow of the Golden Gate Bridge.
.
..
Highlights:
- Visiting Hooters (obviously!)
- The Leaning Tower – topping out after two days of hauling with no pulley, busting open our last beers and kicking back to a rad sunset and the soothing sounds of Rage Against the Machine
- Watching Timmy O’Neil and Dean Potter, totally wasted, dance to Russian gypsy music on stage at the Facelift
- Team ascent of Half Dome followed by lounging on the summit in the sun for hours
- Minesweeping leftover pizza at Degans Deli – it tastes even better when you don’t pay for it!
- Sending numerous hard, out there lines
American/English climbing phrasebook:
It’s a jungle out there bro! So here’s some top chat to help integrate yourself with the Camp 4 elite:
Heinous: Desperate, hard, unpleasant. Not strictly a US term, but multiple use is mandatory in every conversation with a duder. (Eg – “that rockover looks heinous!")
Hella: Very. (Eg – "this pitch is hella good!")
Money: Good. (Eg - "oh yeah, micro nuts are money on pitch 83.")
Business: Tough but fun. (Eg - "bro that hand traverse is business!")
Shank a bitch: To deck someone. (Eg - "that guy just stole my rad FA duder, I'm hella mad - I'm gonna shank the bitch.")
Thanks to our sponsors, Mountain Fuel. The promotional shot that you were after, well, this is the best we got...
Tuesday, October 13
Product review
Beef Chorizo (Res):
Some call it a superfood, others Mana from heaven - all we know is Beef Chorizo (Res) rocks! With such an extensive list of ingredients as "salivary glands, lymphnodes and fat (cheeks & tongues)" you know this stuff is gonna do wonders for you - it's beast food thats for sure. Whoever thought to put that lot together is an evil GENIUS!
Primus Power Gas:
You need something to cook your tasty and nutritious beef chorizo with right? (Of course you do - with those sort of ingredients you need to cook the hell out of it!) Well why settle for normal gas when you can have extreme gas? Here at Beastfaker, we're always striving to increase the levels of extreme in our daily lives and here's a great way to do it whilst cooking, an ordinarily very tame activity - those Primus boys dont miss a trick do they?!
Colgate Duraphat toothpaste:
When I mentioned to my housemate, who happens to be a dentist, that I felt that I was wasting valuble minutes every day being decidedly non-radical whilst brushing my teeth, she immediately recommended me this stuff - Colgate Duraphat. This stuff gives you a durable ability to latch the phattest of phat slopers whilst effectively cleaning and whitening your canines and molars - multitasking at it's best!
Friday, October 2
Sponsored product: Cif Power Scream
The first product from our new sponsor has arrived, CIF POWER SCREAM! This handy and portable spray is destined to become a standard item in a boulderers bucket. Simply spray onto the greasy hold, brush vigorously with a toothbrush for 2 minutes and follow this by 5 minutes of T-shirt slapping. Hey presto; friction is improved and you'll be looking for your next proj. Go forth and send, duders.
Hello moo cow.
Tuesday, September 1
San Fran
The Beastfakers are in San Francisco. We've been training hard with some resistance pull-ups followed by Hooters recovery beers. Fortification occurring. Picture coming soon! Off to the Valley tomorrow for some gnarly shizzle.
Friday, August 21
Summit!!
Respect Steve! Check out their blog here.
Friday, August 14
This week, Beastfaker have mostly been enjoying...
See him here. Hero.
Monday, August 3
Wide crack cranking
Friday, July 17
More action from the south
Nacho and Crispy spent a week in Cornwall where they ticked some sick lines and gained valuable "E-Points" (the system that trad-climbers use to measure the epicness of their sends). Still, we managed to fit in some sit-starts. Here is Nacho putting in the start on the granite giant, Illustrated Man (E2 5c), which she graded V3 (if you use a mat it would probably only be V1).
Crushed!
Friday, July 3
The Project
Check out the cave (centre right) with a sick roof for that little piece of esoterica. Sweet.
Tuesday, May 26
Romantic city break, beastfaker style
Monday, May 11
Worth it for the guns!
All hail their fabulous, sculpted guns!
Wednesday, April 29
Pushups: The training system
- Give you big guns
- Let you show off
- Can be done with your top off
Obviously you know what a push up is, I am sure you can already knock off a couple of thousand of them, but you, like most people, are unlikely to be maximising the return of this valuable training tool, this article sets out to help you.
Set up
First write the numbers 1-9 clearly on a piece of paper and place this on the floor. This will be important for the more advanced techniques. Hands 22cm apart, palms down, directly underneath your shoulders, with the paper a readable distance in front of you. Start with straight arms and a straight back. Some people choose to be resting on their toes, body straight, I prefer resting on my knees to further engage my core see here for more info..
Bend elbows bringing your head to the floor, straighten, as you reach the top, count 'one' or the relevant number loudly, this is your base push up on which all the exercises will be based.
Laddering
Where you will have been going wrong is that you initially will have been counting your push ups in increments of one, ie 1-2-3, then rest. While this is fine for a basic workout/warm up, for full intensity you need to increase your increment size, this is where the numbers on the paper will help you work out your increments. A good next step would be 1-3-4, then rest. This may seem simple but you will find the effort of not always counting in units of one will stress you and your body in ways you cannot comprehend.
You can experiment with several different increment combinations, such as 1-3-5-7-9 or 1-4-7 and so on. With laddering it is important to use several different sequences. This will help train a wider range of movement in the arms. Generally, to make this exercise more difficult you can use less hand movements to make it to the top, two current benchmarks seam to be 1-4-7 or if you are unbelievably strong 1-5-9, on no account attempt to count past 9, this is simply too difficult and has led the otherwise strong trainer Dan Osman to a painful death. It is, however, acceptable to add large numbers infront if in the presence of others, ie count 1001 - 1003 - 1005.
Touchés
Incorrectly referred to as touches by campus boarders in which they match on a rung, instead this simply means to call out 'Touché' after you complete your final push up of each set, similar to calling a hit in fencing. These technique gives you a greater feeling of satisfaction and, done loudly enough, lets others know how great you are.
Advanced Techniques
If you find you are mastering these techniques, the next step is to vary hand positions by curling one or more fingers of each hand into the palm whilst still maintaining full contact between the palm and curled fingers and the floor. By building this up gradually over the months you will reach the stage where you are able to perform mono and finally nono push ups! Mono is one finger visible on each hand, nono is no visible fingers (looks similar but distinct to a fist).
Concluding points
Remember to follow these instructions, warm and oil up, increment your routine gradually, warm down and have plenty of protein shakes and you will have beasted up in no time. If in doubt, or you are struggling with the increment of four, remember the mantra;
Monday, April 27
A Very Brief History of Bouldering
For the majority of its history bouldering has been considered part of mountaineering, and the earliest boulder problems were developed in the mid-1800s during the Golden Age of Alpinism. Early boulderers, such as Whymper, Coolidge and Tuckett are often better known for their alpine sends than their bouldering prowess. Many famous problems were developed at this time, including North Sloper of the Eiger (F5a) and Mini-Plan Traverse (F5a+).
In the early 20th century the bouldering community turned its attention to the greater ranges and to some of the world’s highest boulders. The defining problem of this era is the Hillary Step (f.a. S Tenzing), which at 8,760m is the certainly the world’s most famous highball. Originally ticked without a boulder mat and graded K3+ in the obsolete K-scale, it is now a crimpy F5a.
It wasn’t until the 1980’s and the arrival of the messiahs Moffat and Moon that the world finally basked in the true glory of bouldering. Moffat and Moon showed us the path to true enlightenment with problems such as Jerry’s Crimp (F8a) and Ben’s Left Sidepull High Right For Good Jug (F7c+). What’s more they were ripped dudes and looked the bomb in a beanie.
...and the rest is history!
Kendal Wall - North Face
Contact the Beastfakers
Want to find out a little bit more about pull ups from Hercules but too ashamed to admit that your guns are the size of Poddington Peas?
Want to pick the brain of Mountain Dad and invite him to a private rendez-vous chez nous?
Well, now you can contact us at beastfaker@live.co.uk
Sunday, April 26
Professional Help
I know what you're all thinking on the subject of training - there's just not enough information about to help you on your quest. Take http://www.beastskills.com/nohandOAC.htm for example. Where's the beta on this technical move? As far as i can see, only "and then collapse to the ground and massage your wrist" gives useful, practical insight.
Other inferior websites will also give tips for training the often tried, mainly failed 'one armer', but I think here at Beastfaker we can do better. So, if you're struggling with this particular move and want coaching, I can be hired for just £30/hr (I'm not greedy)- oh and don't expect free tips down the wall ya cheeky bastuds, I know what you're like.
For this you can expect professional and insightful hints such as 'pull harder', 'try the up-bit now' and 'work those guns.' I generally only demonstate 'what not to do' as I find this an encouraging method of teaching, plus, although well read on this technique, I havn't actually had a 'chance' to try the move. Ok, maybe £20/ hr?
Saturday, April 25
Operation Get Stacked
Thursday, April 16
Font report - team ruggedly handsome
Climbing highlights included Fortified Maddy crushing a very long standing (4 years) problem. Given the length of time it took to do, it must be around the Fo-8a mark, SICK! (NB: Fo for fortified). The Chivs left a trail of paraffin up Gravitron and La Marie Rose, AWESOME! Mountain Dad stuck numerous red phatties, ALLEZ! I put my mono training to good use, completing several pull ups using various pockets. BAGUETTE!
Some memorable moments include Maddy becoming very fortified on port, MD showing his prowess in cocktail making AND drinking, lying like a starfish under the stars, Mountain D.I.L.F, werewolves, spinning fire things, spartans playing the sticks game, big fires, short shorts, slack lines, le vin, du pain et du boursin!
Top quotes:
About Mountain D.I.L.F - "He can slap my slopers anyday"
Woman - "Im afraid ze fishermen aaaare blocking ze port"
Crispy - "Oh no, shall we call the navy?"
MD - "Yeh, WE have a good one."
Maddy - "Im fooooorrtified!"
Paul - "Mat, are you a werewolf?"
Mat - "Yes, i mean NO! NO!"
more to come....
Who didn't know how to kiss
He spat and he bit
And he'd often get hit
But nine out of ten times he'd miss
-Fortified Maddy
A limmerick for Mountain Dad
There once was a dad named mountain
Who never gave cause to doubt him
He was strong and bold
As he was grumpy and old
And the second you saw him you'd mount him
-Fortified Maddy
A limmerick for the french fishermen
We once got stuck in Dunkirk
Because of the striking french twerps
We were saved by the red cross
Who were a big pile of toss
And we all ended up late for work
-Fortified Maddy
My First New Route
Wednesday, April 8
Farewell
In the meantime, Hercules and myself will be getting up to some gnarly pull ups. With weights and stuff. Sick.
Tuesday, April 7
Font
Bolting...
Monday, March 30
Inspiration
Sunday, March 29
A day at the beach
Friday, March 13
Phat Hats
Here we see the classic orange/yellow/grey combination: ideal for crimpy walls and overhangs - you knows it!
Green beanies work really well on grit slabs - be warned though, they are high in friction but low in power, so a poor choice for vertical or overhanging lines.
On the left: red/gold - break out this bad boy for slopers, gastons and pinches...
...and right: blue/yellow/red - another useful arrow in your beanie quiver, these aid tendon and skin recovery.
Vertical stripes give you power for roofs.
Also note the prominent 'Prana' logo - these tend to up your ability by a minimum of one grade, the bigger the better!
Cabbage patch beanies: why not try one on your next arete attempt, they help prevent barndooring - Hercules knows it, he aint no fool when it comes to beanie selection!
And finally, hard beanies (also known as helmets) - save these for longer sends (also known as routes/proper climbing).
Now, go forth and power scream your way to glory!
(PS - does anyone know how to get this f-ing formatting to work without putting full stops in all over the show?!!!)
[edit by sidewinder, log into draft.blogger.com, a beta version and you can drag them]
Thursday, March 5
Philosophy and Cheddar.
Or something.
Wednesday, March 4
Grades, let's mass debate
Without them, how could we boast loudly in the pub? How will we know who has the biggest guns and the testicles to match? How will we know who was the first person to climb E-whatever? These are important questions. That's why I'm glad that these chaps are going to set the record straight for all of us. And what's more, they are going to write all about it on the internet so we can devour every word of wisdom! YUM.
Monday, February 16
Toothbrushes
The result of these observations and 'setting down of the rules', is the conclusion that metolius should make a useable toothbrush (or at the very least a sticker that can be neatly applied over the colgate logo). Those in need of a new toothbrush would thus be able to satisfy their climbing purchase needs (the toothbrush should not be priced lower than £6, otherwise the need will not be satisfied) and at the same time maintain oral hygiene.
Wednesday, February 11
Solo pads
'Thou shalt not 'boulder', you fanny."
Seductively spanking pebbles with a T-shirt whilst moaning about the temperature and deliberating over the arrrival of something called the 'jew point', sounds like something Hitler is experiencing in Hell rather than a noble pursuit.
The picture below shows a selection of 'solo-pads', a term coined by my chinese friend in Nottingham, jonnie reighton. Solo-pads can save your ankles should you fall whilst soloing, but the downside is that you get fewer cahoona points for using them.
The smallest one should be good for routes up to 10m. The medium one up to 15m and the large one up to 20m. Stack them on top of each other and you could climb to 40m in relative safety!! Remember to always wear a helmet when soloing. The body can sustain huge impacts, but a slight tap on the head could see you slapping pebbles before your time.
Wednesday, February 4
Welcome, prepare to discover something...
The passion, the stoke, the psyche, the je ne sais quoi, the 'oh my god that's some funky shit'... Parts of the soul too deep to be exposed by the ebbing tide of daily life.
Don't worry my friend. You don't have the cahoonas or the time to join us on the quest. So sit back, grab a cup of tea and perhaps even a croissant (or two), and enjoy.